Dissonance

I'm a runner. An outsider may have the origin of this at when I left home as a teen. But it started much earlier. As a young child, to protect myself I learned to read others and play to their idea of what I should be - Not too much, not too loud, not too different, not too smart, not too dumb. Time and time again, this threw me into situations where the rug was pulled, sending me running for "cover"(another mold to comfortably and temporarily fit in) -consistently living outside of the mind, will and emotions God gave me and treating my life like it doesn't deserve to be lived.

I don’t think I've ever lived 100% "full out". The thought of it is horrifying. Writing and music are the only tools that help pull me back to myself, which is why I haven’t done much of either in a long while. 

The dissonance this has brought the past few weeks makes transparency something I'm now dying to live out. Literally… it’s killing me… So, I choose to live. Completely inside of who I was designed to be. 100% full gas, no striving - just living.

Btw - I didn’t do anything to cause this change in myself. I didn’t fast, I didn’t read a whole lot, I definitely could’ve prayed more. This wasn’t a reward for doing a “good job”, this isn’t a promotion from God because He found my actions worthy of promoting (I would’ve demoted myself). This also isn’t the enemy trying to destroy my life. 

I don’t have an answer for why God is churning this on the inside of me now… but He’s doing it.

This isn't a "wait and see what God's about to do in me" post. 

Then, what’s the point? 

I don’t know. I am writing again, and it’s helping me live in myself. I don’t need a witness, but it keeps me accountable and hopefully one person has had a similar thought and I can save them a few trips around a lonely, stubborn mountain.

I don't know what's ahead, and for the first time I don't have an escape route or five.

Proverbs 31 - how to be a woman, right?

Vs 25 says "she laughs at what is to come". I'm not laughing - I'm scared. But I'm sitting in that fear, we are actually becoming friends… I'm realizing when the Lord sits with me in the fear, it transforms into grace and glory (Hind's Feet). I could use the grace for sure 🙂, He can keep the glory.

I hope walking through this, God will grow me into a woman who can genuinely laugh at what is to come.